Then I started asking questions. Now and then, when the receptor site was well prepared, we withdrew some part of Me for transplantation. Weary of traveling alone on these little subterranean excursions, I decided to stay closer to Marvins concerns. . Id really be interested in hearing.. It did not keep her self-esteem stable but instead fluctuated wildly according to external events. First, I was distracted by the envelopeits jagged edges were gouging my ass. Our next two hours were to consist of numerous variations on this harsh themea procedure referred to in the trade as working through. Penny expressed deep rage at her sonsrage not only because of the way they lived but rage that they lived. Im afraid that, if I form friends here and start to like it, I might not want to leave. Twins? Youre exactly the same person now as you were then!. If we stare too hard into the past, its easy to be overcome with regret. with the problem of obesity I noted Bettys eyes drop with disappointment and silently berated myself for being so impersonal. Thelma began the next session by telling me that it had been an awful week. Rather, love is a way of being, a giving to, not a falling for; a mode of relating at large, not an act limited to a single person. I hate to be loves executioner. Are there no absolutes in psychotherapy? Every migraine of the last four months was preceded within twenty-four hours by a sexual failure.. I met with Phyllis and Marvin as a couple for several more sessions. Rather than relating to this integral self, her father, who abused her, had contributed to the development of a false, sexual self. Even though the doctor had told her that Chrissie was living on borrowed time, that no one had ever recovered from this disease, even though he said, point-blank, when she last entered the hospital, that she could not live much longer, Penny refused to believe that Chrissie would not get well again. As the evidence mounted that no meaningful relationship was developing between us, I felt baffled and rejected. In this book I tell the stories of ten patients who turned to therapy, and in the course of their work struggled with existence pain. So what? I felt myself flushing. Had it always been there? He didnt give a damn about Martha and me, he was just getting his sexual kicks. love's executioner two smiles summary Call us today! Noting that we still had fifteen minutes left, I decided to do some work on another front. Im keeping it secret. Look at the whole issue of integrityat his code of ethics. Carlos, you take pride in your honesty in the groupbut were you really being honest? I decided to maintain a sharp focus on relevant and immediate issues. I nodded but assured him that I had time to meet with him. Go visit the porno shops in the Tenderloinitd be good for your education. They confronted him directly: Cmon, Dave, how much extra would it cost to come out and say love letters?. Everyones afraid of death. The drab backdrop of the dozens of hours I had spent with Marge made this engaging phantom stand out with a dazzling clarity. Perhaps I was willing to permit Marvin a slower pace because of my encounter with the dreamer. One night he couldnt sleep and heard some whispering from her room. Poor Bettythank God, thank Godknew none of this as she innocently continued her course toward my chair, slowly lowered her body, arranged her folds and, with her feet not quite reaching the floor, looked up at me expectantly. It struck me as wonderfully funny and I started to laugh, and laughed until my eyes filled with tears. 1989 is not that long ago. My whole lifes gone by feeling it was too late. Carlos, with his incurable cancer, was so isolated and felt so shunned that I had decided to support him by going out of my way to touch him. Though she, Mike, and I shared an hour, each of us had a vastly different, and unpredictable, experience. Such massive denial always plays havoc with the survivors, and Betty had neither been prepared for his death nor had the opportunity to say goodbye. I war against magic. As always, I am grateful to Stanford University for providing me with the support, academic freedom, and intellectual community so essential for my work. One day Jay surprised me and the other members by announcing (confessing was his word) that everything he had ever said in the grouphis feedback to others, his self- revelations, all his angry and caring wordseverything, had really been said for my benefit. It was true that Betty offered an opportunity to improve my personal skills as a therapist. But it was also important that he continue attending his therapy group. In fact, just asking the question, What helped in the past? was helpful because it assured me that there was a way I could get better. And the absence of any obvious meaning or sense of life. My timing had been thrown off. I tried mightily to persuade her that it was a positive, not a negative, thing that had emerged in therapy. I dont know what youre getting at. Though I had never before worked with anyone who had lost a child, I ought to be able to help her since much of her grief was reducible to guilt. No commitment - cancel anytime. Still, I wanted him to know about the damage he had done. Most of this book was written during a well-traveled sabbatical year. What had we done to drive Dave away? At first I thought I would be encountering myself as a very young man, but a bit of arithmetic led to the realization that I was no sapling when I wrote this book: I was in my mid-fifties! It was what I did, not what I said. Heady stuff! Or had she known for some brief period and then repressed the knowledge because it clashed with her own vital lie? The mother book fueling the ideas for the stories was Existential Psychotherapy. The truth was that this was indeed a boring woman, and I needed to confront her with that in some acceptable way. To all, my deepest gratitude. For the time being, lets leave the opening of the letters out of our discussion ; its clear youll open them when youre ready. I paused, resisting the temptation to make a reference to a months time frame as though he had made a formal commitment; this was not the time for manipulation Saul would see through any guile. Obviously, the foundation was in place for major oedipal problems in Marvins relations with women. Yet Penny had gotten what she had set out to get: therapy, free of charge, from a Stanford professor. She was counting on a sizable financial settlement, and she feared antagonizing Dr. Z., whose strong testimony about the extent of her injury and suffering would be essential in winning the suit. Look at your comment asking me to compare myself with the homeless. She had lost touch with him until her husbands automobile accident. The last session was our best one so far. I keep looking for him when I walk down the street. When we finish, how will you get along without me? His pathetic cosmetic effortsa wide-brimmed Panama hat, painted-on eyebrows, and a scarf to conceal the swellings in his necksucceeded only in calling additional unwanted attention to his appearance. It is one thing to improve ones backhand service return but quite another to sharpen ones skills at the expense of some fragile, troubled person. I could picture him strangling someone. Just delay the gift for the time being, until the crisis has passed, till the letters have been opened.. And you do have a point about how widespread these feelings are: the porno business must be offering something which appeals to impulses all men have. We both agree that your reaction to Dr. K. has been excessive. She wept often and, at times, flashed into anger. Both therapist and patient secretly hope that the exiting and the entering patients will not meet one another. Though I had received no messages from the dreamer for the last several weeks, I had not missed them. I broke the heavy silence after several minutes: How do you feel about what I said, Thelma?, I cant feel anything any more. Suppose, for a moment, that Matthew died! Worse yet, much worse (and this is hard to admit), I agreed with her. Much good the interpretation didlike throwing pebbles at a rhino: the mere utterance of the word sex was enough to summon the spasms. Furthermore, it is difficult for me, as for most therapists, to form a relationship with a patient who has fallen in love. I recommended reading material and urged her to visit a female gynecologist and to explore these issues with her girlfriends and her therapy group. I hoped to show her that another person could know her fully and still care for her. Why had he rejected her and cast her out? She continued, with forced cheerfulness, to tell me that the good news was that for the past week she had felt less guilty and less involved with Chrissie. She dreaded the end of therapy for several reasons: naturally she would miss my professional guidance, and she would miss me personallyafter all, she had never before been willing to trust and to accept help from a man. Half of a paperback Stephen King novel (Elva threw away sections of pages as she read them: They werent worth keeping, she explained). I think I had a premonition at the time that, before my work with Thelma was over, I would be called to account for hubris. I just fear were heading toward trouble. He was lost in a psychosis. Marvin continued to be refreshingly open during the first several weeks of therapy. I feel like a zombie, run out of gas, my lifes a void, a dead end. Betty now entered into a depression which was short-lived and had a curious, paradoxical twist. Saul so basked in the glow of the collaborative relationship that he failed to notice that the library research was not productive. I think you are determined, absolutely committed, to be jolly with me., Youve done this since our first meeting. Im not asking for any longer commitment, but I wont start without this. How could I reject the letters without his feeling I was rejecting him? Carlos, before you started the group I tried to explain to you the basic rationale behind group therapy. Not even chalked words on the sidewalk saying, There was the blob that was once named Marge White.. In the light of that belief, the perils of overactivity seemed slender. It is a book of its time, as you will notice from the chapter Fat Lady. But I was as tenacious as he and refused to be dissuaded. Whenever I sat down to eat pizza or pasta al pesto or enchiladas con salsa verde or German-chocolate-cake ice cream, or any other special treat I knew Betty liked, I thought of her. Obviously something extraordinary had occurred. But the problem is that sex is turned into something medicinalno, thats not strong enoughsex becomes a life or death proposition, and your survival depends on merging with this woman. Or the Thelma who was deceived by herself? First, what really happened eight years ago? Thelma had had sufficient time (twenty years of therapy!) Put yourself in Ruths placetwenty-three years old, two small children, been through a hard time, presumably looking for some strong support for herself and her kids, having only a laymans knowledge and fear of cancerdo you represent the kind of security and support shes looking for? Now, between obsessions, Thelma was in a rare free-floating state. She hated what was happening, and she hated Dr. Z., but my every suggestion was met by but or yes, but. She was a yes, but-er (also referred to in the trade as a help-rejecting complainer) of considerable prowess. There was so much to talk about, so much that Matthew wanted to know about Thelmas past year, that their coffee hour extended into the dinner hour, and they walked over to Scomas on Fishermans Wharf for crab cioppino. I started driving at twelve when my father got sick, because she was afraid to learn., Thats when I started having nightmares. Her shoulders slumped, her benevolent smile vanished, and, entirely spent, she became Thelma again. What youre saying doesnt make any sense at all. Something good happened, and she felt great; one criticism from someone, and she was down for days. Betty agreedshe could hardly refuse me; and I now had at my disposal an enormously liberating device. She felt that she was talented but had never developed her talents because, since the age of thirteen, she had had to earn a living. Such encapsulated, exclusive lovefeeding on itself, neither giving to nor caring about othersis destined to cave in on itself. I cringed now at the prospect of colleagues and students asking me in the weeks to come, Fill us in. How could it be otherwise? For as long as I can remember, I have taught my students that if something big in a relationship is not being talked about (by either patient or therapist), then nothing else of importance will be discussed either. I was in a frenzy of curiosity and questioned her closely. He was so proud of the insights that he had christened them. Sometimes she would try to tell me about Ruth Anne, the third personality, or slip into a trance and regress to an earlier age, but I refused to be seduced by any of these enticements. It was also about the time that I was coercing Marvin into recognizing that his sexual preoccupation was in reality deflected death anxiety (see In Search of the Dreamer), and unwisely badgering Dave into understanding that his attachment to ancient love letters was a futile attempt to deny physical decline and aging (Do Not Go Gentle). Thelma, who had been apathetically slumped in her chair, suddenly bolted upright. The ten years of therapy before Matthew? I absolutely do not know.. Where is that moment now?, Well, where is it? I was certain that my first impression had been close to the mark: that his impending retirement had stoked up much fundamental anxiety about finitude, aging, and death, and that he was attempting to cope with this anxiety through sexual mastery. Tears poured down upon her new blue dress until Matthew, outracing me, handed her the box of tissues. . Rather, love is a way of being, a "giving to," not a 'falling for"; a mode of relating at large, not an act limited to a single person." Chapter 5 I Never Thought It Would Happen to Me, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, (with Morton A. Lieberman and Matthew B. I couldnt help smiling: I was pleased that I and Me shared some secrets. It was pointless to begin by addressing her weight. I taught myself to type on the flight overseas by means of a video game in which, when letters attacked my spaceship, my only defense was to punch an attacking letter before it detonated my ship. Penny accepted my offer but said that money was a big problem for her. It was as though we had assigned the other Marge to a psychological organ bank. Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I But Thelma didnt wait to hear the rest of my sentence. But I was careful to tread a fine line. And, of course, why my letters were loaded for me. Everyones going to die. Penny and her sons had ceased to fight about cemetery plot payments and birthday parties for Chrissie, but argued about Brents borrowing the pickup and Jims inability to hold on to a job. One is the belief in personal specialness; the other, the belief in an ultimate rescuer. Many thingsa simple group exercise, a few minutes of deep reflection, a work of art, a sermon, a personal crisis, a lossremind us that our deepest wants can never be fulfilled: our wants for youth, for a halt to aging, for the return of vanished ones, for eternal love, protection, significance, for immortality itself. What was the point of having trusted me at all? Here, look at the month of July: four migraines and each one preceded by either impotence or a grade-one or -two sexual performance..