Thank you for this article. Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. Although it may be different than the one you imagined, after a divorce you do still have a future to look forward to. I also have no contact. And then the pandemic hit. I worked on becoming a better person for 20 years. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. }] OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. now we have three children together and 4 grandchildren together. Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. But I could not stop it. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. Divorce can be worse than dying. She is the single mother of two boys. and special occasions are the hardest. I googled this lingering pain. As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . I am not sure of what to do. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. Toughing it out. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. Perfectly said. Sad. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. I feel very lost again. God bless you! He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. I never realized you could love to much. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. We all grieve differently. I was too immature to realize that the man he was and our relationship was the hottest thing ever. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. Just an occasional issue with finances. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. 2. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. "text": "Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. "@type": "Answer", Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. "acceptedAnswer": { Yet in only 10 percent of the couples do both former spouses. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. It just goes down and down. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. A word I'd wished for so long to hear. Ultimately, I support her decision. Your piece really spoke to me. Most psychologists and therapists' general rule is one year of healing and recovery for every five to seven years of marriage. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. I saw my ex at a social function. If you were meant to be with him you would be. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. 1. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. Done. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to cope up with the partner any more. I became a shell of a person. Below are some tips to help one know what to follow when divorce still hurts. The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. Takeaway. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! I received a summons to have my alimony modified. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! Thank you for finding those words. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. Im just so broken. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless theyve experienced it. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. And your words resonate. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. She took the house, my business, my kids my heart and happiness. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. It affected my relationship with my children. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. },{ The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. Great article!!! After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. All in all, I am at a standstill. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. We dont need another answer, do we? Can you be completely happy after divorce? And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. "I think we are done", he says. Younger childrenspecifically 5- to 8 . Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. I just dont know how I could have been so blind. The world wants everyone to be over things. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. Your ex will find his happy life isnt all he thought it would be.mine surely didnt, but hes stuck with it now. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. This so much speaks to me . Coparenting is difficult. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. I initiated it. But, I was wrong. Grand children . As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. My experience is the same as a husband. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. I am not a bitter woman. Dwelling on what you should have done. I do hope this improves with time. Making choices so the kids like you. irritability. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. } It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . We were married for 15 years. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. It hasnt been that long. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. It echos my experience so far. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. Sheila. Yeah.). I did not handle the divorce well. Think Im going to leave her too. We just arent on the same level. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. "@type": "Question", Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I highly suggest a good therapist to help you. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. I WAS MARRIED 30 YEARS When she left . Thank you for sharing. I worked hard, did everything for him, but it wasnt enough.They married 18 months after our divorce ( 9 months ago, and went on honeymoon to one of our favourite places) They have a fantastic lifestyle, whereas I have had to go back to work. Love is not something outside us , but is our very essence. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Oh well. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. Yes, even the not wanting to date after a divorce. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. Do those things! so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. I believe it's one of the fastest methods of emotional healing and transformation available today; You can learn to use tapping on your own, or see a therapist who uses meridian tapping.The aspects of "guilt" and "regret" should be at the top of the list of "tapping targets" to work on. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz My career has suffered. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. "@context": "https://schema.org", Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. I have moved on and with a new partner. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. Thank you again for sharing your stories. joanne. Divorce happened the year after I had retired. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. You dont need to be friends with her but, you need to develop new friends and start enjoying your life. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. Thank you for this article. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. My life was unraveling before my eyes. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. And sadness. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. My kids are well. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. Lest you think thats all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days its at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. Thank you for this article! I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". My heart is breaking. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. It truly has broken my heart. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning.